Return
The Kid returns today from a week away at camp. Lots of mixed feelings about this. On one hand, during his time away, I:
- Slept well every night
- Didn't rush home
- Enjoyed a sock-free living room
- Spent a lot less money
- Generally lived a more chaos-free life. Even with a cat in the home, who we all know are Agents of Chaos.
These seem like Ordinary Things. But they're still things I haven't been able to do with enjoyment for the past decade+. Have leisure. It was a little temporary return to my old self. She peeped out, looking around to see if it was safe to come out. Yet, I still spent a lot of time staring at the FindMy, looking at the little marker, wondering what he was doing, whether the food was good there, and if he was enjoying himself.
Given that he has not given me any thought (based on the complete radio silence. And the fact that I only got some visual Proof of Life when I bargained for 15 minutes of Facetime in exchange for approving 15 minutes of additional YouTube), I can probably safely presume that he was having a good time. A nice 180 from our last sleepaway camp experience 2 years ago, where he spent every night calling me secretly, crying, and asking me to come pick him up. Still, it's not easy to turn off a 13-year-long habit of thinking constantly about my genetic offshoot.
We're at the cusp of where he's starting to bud off into his own person. For a long time, he was a small waving pseudopodia. His little world revolved around mama and where she was and what she was doing. I could do no wrong in his eyes - all would be forgiven with a hug and a cuddle, and sometimes a little ice cream. It was exhilarating and exhausting to be so needed and so loved. Now, those shining eyes that used to greet me when I came home have turned into some side eye, some eye roll, and a lot of "Bruh. Chill." It's painful and exhilarating to see him becoming his own person. I can feel the era of my influence fading. I can only hope that what I've done so far is enough to carry him into adulthood. I feel a little stricken that it came so fast, and a little anxious about whether I've done enough.
Soundtrack: So Far Away - Carole King